As I talked about addiction before, it’s a progressive illness. Prescription drugs and some over the counter (OTC) medications are no exception. From medications prescribed by your GP for anxiety or insomnia to strong painkillers you can pick up from a pharmacy, there are many substances that are legal albeit with some controls, that contain ingredients that are highly addictive.

How My Painkiller Addiction Started

In my last post, I talked about my journey from alcoholism into recovery and it is quite common for people with an addiction to alcohol to also have an addiction to other substances and vice versa. I only ever thought that alcohol was my problem, mainly because illicit class A or B drugs never played a significant part in my life. The odd experimentation with various drugs in my student days and early twenties never really did anything for me, unlike alcohol. So, when I was given a prescription for diazepam to help with a home alcohol detox prior to getting into recovery, I thought nothing of it – but that soon changed. To clarify, diazepam is a strong benzodiazepine drug often used to help detox people suffering from alcohol withdrawal. However, it is cross-tolerant with alcohol and excites the same receptors in the brain as alcohol and as such people with alcoholic tendencies can also become addicted to diazepam. Which is why it is most commonly prescribed in a controlled, in-house rehab or hospital setting, rather than in the community.

The Unnoticed Progression

Whilst the detox from alcohol went quite smoothly, I still had over half my prescription dose of diazepam left over. My withdrawal symptoms from alcohol had passed and I was feeling physically a lot better, but mentally and emotionally I still felt very fragile, vulnerable and fearful. I realised that these feelings faded away when taking diazepam, just as they did when I drank alcohol. With my addictive brain very much aware of this, I began taking more of the tablets to change the way I felt as I knew that alcohol was not an option for me. I soon built up a dependency for diazepam, far quicker than I did with alcohol, so when I ran out I began experiencing similar withdrawal symptoms to when I stopped drinking. This frightened me more and I knew I needed to keep taking the tablets otherwise I could become very ill. Further trips to my GP, who I was very dishonest with, led to a few more prescriptions being written up for me, but the day came when I was no longer prescribed them anymore and I had to seek alternatives.

The Dark Twist

I soon found myself trawling the internet to find ways of buying diazepam and other similar classes of drugs online. It really didn’t take long or cost very much, which is rather scary in hindsight. Unmarked packages started arriving at my home which required a signature, so I was constantly in fear of anyone I was living with signing for my parcel, getting suspicious and opening it to uncover my secret. This perpetual state of fear and paranoia went hand in hand with my addiction, so it was no wonder I felt the need to take a drug that took away those feelings! One batch that I ordered didn’t quite have the desired effect, however. A whole package of fake tablets meant that I started going into withdrawal from the diazepam, which led to insomnia, nausea, heightened fear and anxiety and stomach cramping. Once I was through a few days of misery and pain I knew I had to stop.

In Search Of Yet Another Alternative

Rather than opening up about my secret addiction and seeking help, I chose to try and find a different way of changing the way I felt. Again, I knew alcohol was not an option and I also knew now that diazepam and benzodiazepines weren’t either. I had met many people with addictions to opiate or opioid painkillers (you can read about the differences between the two here). I began to take low doses of co-codamol, that is codeine with paracetamol, but I knew that paracetamol was dangerous to take in large doses so I sought out codeine and ibuprofen products instead. Although they didn’t particularly take away any of the negative emotions I was feeling, they did numb them and made me feel very sleepy and lightheaded, a feeling that intensified over time. The frantic “pharmacy shopping” to avoid being detected and rousing the pharmacists’ suspicions became my primary focus. I was late to work, missed appointments and let people down, all in my pursuit to get more tablets. I was literally replicating my behaviours from when I used to go from shop to shop buying alcohol. The warning signs were clear as day.

Another Downward Spiral

The progression of my addiction to codeine was even more rapid than the diazepam. Taking 8 tablets a day, became 16, then 24, then a whole pack of 32 in one go. That soon became 64 tablets, two whole packs, in a day. I felt like a zombie for pretty much the entire day, slowly floating from one place to another, drifting in and out of sleep and with little ability to focus or concentrate. Essentially, I was in a constant state of sedation, much like with alcohol, but with no euphoric or easy feeling. I was stale. This absence from reality led to me picking up drink again as I was so unaware of what I was doing, much less the consequences. I went missing. My car was located in a hotel car park, filled with empty packets of codeine and bottles of alcohol. Unsurprisingly those that found it thought I’d taken an overdose, but I’d been hiding everything in my car for some time.

The Road Back to Recovery

Whilst my addiction to benzodiazepines and codeine did not cost me a relationship, a home or much in the way of money, it did cost me a job and led to extreme mental and emotional suffering as well as a lot of internal, physical pain. I’d found help with my alcoholism some time before and knew that I needed similar help with this addiction too, once I’d admitted it was a problem at least. I had only ever considered myself an alcoholic, never an addict, but this period of my life made me realise I was addicted to more than just alcohol. A combination of further help from The Recovery Lodge and attending meetings of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Cocaine Anonymous (CA – despite the name, CA is not a drug specific fellowship), helped me open up about this addiction and gave me the proper help and support that I needed. I no longer need to take substances to make me feel better emotionally. I work a programme of recovery on a daily basis, one step at a time.

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