People pleasing and compulsive helping are two similar, yet separate, forms of behavioural addictions that can be very destructive to the person suffering from it as well as to the people closest to them. Although people pleasing sounds like it’s a good thing, and it often can be, it can also be very debilitating for the person suffering from it. It is rarely obvious to them.

My struggle between acceptance and fear

From my early childhood I was a particularly fearful and anxious person, always projecting negatively about the future, fearing the worst outcome and catastrophising every situation I faced. My main fear was rooted in the dislike of myself and that other person would also dislike me. I always wanted to portray an image of myself that people would like and accept, but that was not a genuine reflection of who I really was or how I was feeling. This desperation for acceptance and to be liked by others led to me altering my behaviour depending on what situation I was in and what group of people I was around. I would behave differently around my parents than my friends, or work colleagues or strangers in an effort to please people and make them like me. My adult life and emerging struggles with other addictions enhanced my desire to please others in order to cover my tracks.

“Just Say No”

This famous saying from a 1980’s anti-drug campaign meant something quite different to me. If someone asked me to do something for them, my automatic response would be to say “yes,” or at least “probably,” even though I often really didn’t want to do it. This would frequently land me in positions where I would be fearful, unprepared or unable to do what I had agreed to. But more often than not the fear would overwhelm me and I would back out at the last minute and let people down. This of course would lead me to feel more fearful and worry more about people not liking me. This inability to be assertive and say what I really meant and felt inhibited my early recovery from alcohol and drugs as I never wanted to let people down or disappoint them, which ultimately led to some early relapses and harmed my recovery and overall wellbeing.

Help is at hand – my hand

I always had an inkling that I was something of a people pleaser, but always denied I was a compulsive helper when I first learned of such a thing back in about 2015. I always believed I would choose wisely about who I would help and how I would help them, but really I had a compulsiveness to help at a subconscious level that really left me with little rational choice over such matters. As an addict in recovery, I was always encouraged to help other addicts struggling or new to recovery, and this is still something I am passionate about and enjoy doing. However, in my early recovery from alcoholism, I found myself throwing myself into situations I didn’t have the experience or knowledge to be able to deal with, all because I so desperately wanted to help another person. Not only did this negatively impact the person I was trying to help, but it also became detrimental to my own recovery as I struggled to cope with not being able to help that person and would beat myself up about it. I would often find myself enabling others’ harmful behaviours by helping them financially or materially when really it wasn’t my place to do so. Although my heart was in the right place, my helping hands were often more of a hindrance.

Dominant or Passive? Or both?!

I have often considered myself to be a passive person, more content to sit among the crowd rather than be at the front and leading. This often meant I would jump to the aid of someone needing help when they asked as I felt this was more my place in society – to be led rather than lead. Similar to my people pleasing, I often lacked the ability to be assertive and would find myself passively helping others with their problems whilst letting issues in my life take a back seat and ultimately allow those problems to pile up and overwhelm me further down the line. However, I also had the ability to be a dominant helper. For example, I would offer solutions to peoples’ problems but only if they would do what I suggested on my terms. While I don’t consider this bullying behaviour, I did have a tendency to come across in an intimidating manner, often to people that were in a vulnerable situation and just needed help. I found the balance between passivity and dominance a very difficult one to get right.

The right balance – for me and others

As the years have gone by in recovery, albeit with their ups and downs, I have learned many skills in how to manage my former desire to people please and compulsively help others. Through receiving great counselling and advice from therapists at The Recovery Lodge, I have learned to balance my own personal needs with the needs of those around me. I currently find myself in the position of a caregiver for a friend that I live with, so I have to be very mindful and aware of balancing my own wellbeing with that of my friend’s. Planning my days and week ahead in advance, making time to put my recovery first, fitting in times of leisure and enjoyment are incredibly important otherwise I could easily become overwhelmed with my caring responsibilities. Self-care must come first in my life as I know that without it, I would be of no use at all to anyone else that required my help or care.

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